South African boys face a big challenge: they are taught that “boys don’t cry,” which makes it hard for them to show feelings. This silence leads to sadness, loneliness, and even higher suicide rates. Groups like The Character Company are helping by pairing boys with mentors who teach them to understand and share their emotions. Slowly, communities are learning that real strength comes from being open and caring, not from hiding pain. With more kindness and safe spaces, boys can grow into healthy, confident men who feel free to be themselves.
What are the emotional challenges facing South African boys today?
South African boys struggle with emotional suppression due to cultural beliefs like “boys don’t cry,” leading to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and high suicide rates. Addressing this requires mentorship, emotional literacy, and safe spaces to encourage vulnerability and healthy masculinity.
The Hidden Struggles Behind Boys’ Laughter
In the cool morning light of Cape Town, the cheerful sounds of boys at play drift beneath the shelter of an ancient acacia tree. A mentor from The Character Company oversees their games, but behind the bright smiles, many boys grapple with an invisible battle—a deep-seated hurt rooted in the idea that “boys don’t cry.” Although these words might seem harmless—spoken in jest or as a lesson—they reveal a much larger issue woven into the fabric of South African society.
The emotional challenges facing boys in South Africa have grown into a crisis that extends far beyond individual struggles. Experts warn that this problem strikes at the core of community, culture, and identity. Each year, International Day of the Boy Child on May 16th prompts the country to confront a sobering reality: boys are growing up without the emotional vocabulary needed to process their feelings, and the repercussions touch every layer of society.
This lack of emotional fluency has deep historical roots. Victorian notions of stoicism, with their celebration of “muscular Christianity,” once dictated the British Empire’s ideals of manhood, leaving a lasting mark on colonized nations. During the apartheid era, South African boys faced a rigid emotional discipline, compelled to project invulnerability both at home and in public. These inherited codes persist today, with many fathers and elder figures in townships and suburbs teaching the next generation that strength equals silence.
The Consequences of Silence: Mental Health and Social Fallout
Jaco van Schalkwyk, who founded The Character Company (TCC) in 2013, sees firsthand how these old codes continue to shape boys’ lives. His organization pairs boys without present fathers with mentors who guide them from childhood into adulthood. Van Schalkwyk describes the emotional climate he encounters as barren soil, starved of empathy and expression. “Over the years, I’ve noticed a profound inability among boys and men to recognize and process their feelings,” he explains. This silence is no longer just a cultural habit; it runs in families, passed from one generation to the next, shaping how people interact—or avoid truly connecting.
The price for this emotional drought is devastating. South African men are statistically up to five times more likely to die by suicide than women. Mental health professionals report soaring cases of depression, anxiety, and overwhelming loneliness among boys and young men. Too many endure their suffering in isolation, paralyzed by the fear of ridicule or rejection if they dare to express vulnerability.
When phrases like “man up” or “boys don’t cry” dominate, boys lose the language they need to describe their inner world. Van Schalkwyk recalls a recent session where, after weeks of silence, a teenage boy finally confessed to feeling “broken.” When asked to elaborate, the boy could not find words for emotions like sadness, fear, or disappointment. This, says Van Schalkwyk, lies at the center of the problem: “It’s not merely the absence of spaces to talk—it’s that boys often lack even the words to describe how they feel.”
When society discourages openness, boys either retreat into themselves or act out destructively. Some withdraw, becoming isolated, while others lash out in anger or turn to unhealthy escapes such as substance abuse or violence. Experts emphasize that stifling vulnerability does not make pain disappear; instead, it transforms it into something more isolating and, frequently, more harmful.
Seeds of Change: Building a New Model of Manhood
Despite these daunting challenges, signs of hope are emerging. The Character Company embraces a mentorship approach inspired by both classical and contemporary traditions. Historically, societies paired young men with elders who taught skills, values, and moral codes. In Renaissance-era Florence, masters guided apprentices not only in craft but also in character. Today’s TCC mentors adopt a similar philosophy, supporting boys as they mature and teaching lessons in empathy, responsibility, and bravery.
This process transforms mentors as much as it does the boys. Van Schalkwyk notes, “The men who volunteer often grow alongside the boys they mentor.” The experience is reciprocal: adults are prompted to confront their own blind spots and rediscover the emotional awareness they may have neglected. This echoes research in masculinity studies, where scholars like bell hooks and Michael Kimmel argue that genuine manhood is rooted in authenticity and meaningful connection, not in dominance or detachment.
Nonetheless, the country continues to grapple with defining positive masculinity. The prevalence of discussions around “toxic masculinity” has left many men in a state of uncertainty, wary of engaging in conversations about what it means to be a good man. As Van Schalkwyk observes, “Many men are so afraid of making mistakes that they say nothing at all—and it’s the boys who suffer most from this silence.”
Boys need environments where honest dialogue is not only allowed but encouraged—in homes, schools, sports teams, and communities. The call for more male mentors is not simply about enlisting volunteers; it is about reimagining what leadership and courage look like. True bravery, according to Van Schalkwyk, belongs to those willing to risk vulnerability for the benefit of others.
Transforming Culture: From Silence to Connection
Cultural transformation takes time and collective effort. South African writers and filmmakers, like Athol Fugard and Gavin Hood, have explored the complexities of masculinity, using storytelling to expose its wounds and hint at the possibility of healing. They show that change often starts with giving words to pain and hope—a lesson that plays out daily in the lives of boys and men.
Efforts to promote healthier masculinity now intersect with some of South Africa’s most pressing social issues. The country’s high rates of gender-based violence, absent fathers, and youth unemployment all connect to the unaddressed emotional needs of boys. Sociologists point out that cycles of violence often have their roots in suppressed childhood anger and trauma. When boys fail to express themselves, their pain can erupt in ways that harm not just individuals but entire communities—at staggering social and economic costs.
Grassroots initiatives are beginning to respond to this crisis. Some schools have introduced “emotional literacy” programs, helping boys recognize and manage their feelings. Sports coaches, once known for enforcing toughness, now receive training to identify signs of distress and encourage open communication. The arts community is also weighing in, with performances and exhibits that challenge traditional notions of manhood and invite audiences to reconsider what it really means to be strong.
Traditional rites of passage are also evolving. In some areas, community elders and mental health professionals collaborate to revise initiation ceremonies, blending the old with the new and emphasizing emotional maturity alongside physical toughness. These changes draw on both ancient wisdom and modern psychology, creating new paths for boys to navigate the journey to adulthood.
The Road Ahead: Building a Healthier Future for Boys
South African boys, like their peers around the world, want acceptance and a sense of belonging. The challenge lies in offering them relationships free from judgment and environments where expressing emotion is seen as a sign of depth, not weakness. Each year, as International Day of the Boy Child approaches, it becomes clear that the fight to support boys’ emotional well-being is about more than individual happiness—it’s about the future of the nation.
Resistance to change still exists. Some parents fear that encouraging emotional openness will weaken boys or leave them unprepared for life’s hardships. Yet research consistently shows the contrary: boys who develop emotional awareness are more resilient, form healthier bonds, and display lower tendencies toward aggression. Their ability to weather adversity stems not from feeling less, but from understanding themselves more deeply.
Creating a new model of masculinity in South Africa is a shared task that calls for courage on the part of individuals and imagination at the community level. It means drawing from the lessons of the past, learning from the present, and envisioning a future where boys can speak honestly about what they feel. Every time a mentor listens without judgment, a teacher supports a struggling student, or a father opens up about his own vulnerabilities, the chains of silence break a little more.
The journey toward emotional wholeness is ongoing. Yet for every boy who finds his voice—whether at school, at home, or beneath a familiar tree in Cape Town—a brighter, more compassionate future becomes possible. The hope for change rests not just in programs or policies, but in everyday acts of courage and care. And as these small acts accumulate, the foundation for a healthier, more united generation is quietly, but steadily, being built.
FAQ: Rethinking Masculinity – The Emotional Landscape of South African Boys
1. What emotional challenges do South African boys commonly face?
South African boys often grow up with cultural messages like “boys don’t cry,” which discourage emotional expression. This leads to difficulties in recognizing, understanding, and sharing feelings, contributing to depression, anxiety, loneliness, and alarmingly high suicide rates among boys and young men. These challenges are compounded by historical and societal factors that equate masculinity with emotional stoicism and silence.
2. How does emotional suppression impact the mental health of boys and men in South Africa?
Emotional suppression isolates boys and men, making it harder for them to seek help or communicate their struggles. This isolation often results in destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, aggression, or withdrawal. Statistically, South African men are up to five times more likely to die by suicide than women, highlighting the severe consequences of discouraging vulnerability and emotional openness.
3. What role do mentorship programs like The Character Company play in addressing these issues?
The Character Company (TCC) pairs boys, especially those without present fathers, with mentors who help them develop emotional literacy and teach that expressing feelings is a sign of strength, not weakness. These mentors guide boys through adolescence into adulthood, fostering empathy, responsibility, and emotional resilience. The mentorship process also encourages adult volunteers to confront their own emotional blind spots, creating a transformative experience for both.
4. How is South African society beginning to change its perception of masculinity?
There is a growing recognition that traditional masculinity, which emphasizes toughness and emotional suppression, is harmful. Communities are creating safe spaces in schools, sports, and cultural settings to encourage boys to express their feelings. New rites of passage blend traditional physical challenges with lessons in emotional maturity. Artists, writers, and grassroots organizations are also raising awareness and challenging stereotypes around what it means to be a man.
5. Why is emotional literacy important for the development of boys into healthy men?
Emotional literacy—the ability to recognize, understand, and articulate feelings—helps boys build resilience, develop empathy, and form healthier relationships. Research shows boys who develop these skills are less prone to aggression and mental health issues. Emotional fluency equips them to handle life’s challenges more effectively, not by feeling less, but by understanding themselves better.
6. What can communities and individuals do to support healthier masculinity among South African boys?
Support starts with creating environments free from judgment, where boys feel safe to express vulnerability. This includes encouraging open conversations in homes, schools, and sports clubs, increasing the availability of male mentors, and revising cultural practices to value emotional growth. Every act of listening, sharing, and modeling emotional honesty helps break the cycle of silence and builds a future where boys can confidently be themselves.
If you want to learn more or get involved, organizations like The Character Company offer mentorship opportunities and resources to support this vital work.
